Very cute dog, very average looking guy
Tinder is a cruel place for any 20-something single to end up. You’re at a point in your life when you’re probably most vulnerable – let’s face it, you’ve probably got pressure from your mum to find a guy, you’re not where you want to be in your career right now and the boss from your part-time that's quickly becoming full-time waitressing job is a massive wanker, and you probably live in a grimy house share with 4 other people. I know, because this is my life right now. So, like any girl would in the 21st century, you decide to take matters into your own hands: Tinder. Which is always a load of fun, because you never know if you’re gonna get a nice cute dick pic (note the sarcasm), or some guy laying it on way too thick, and almost definitely overusing the heart eyes emoji. But no, the real one to look out for at the moment, the absolute, honest to God, most dangerous one of them all: the guys with a dog in their pic.
Now, I like to think of myself as not too fussy when it comes to swiping left and right. After all, it’s not all about looks (she says, trying desperately to make herself believe it). If a guy looks a bit boring, that’s fine, no guys photograph well. Doesn’t like the same music? Gives us something to talk about over dinner. I’ll even look at more than just one pic before deciding if it’s going to be a left or right swipe!!! But there are some things that I’ve learnt to just not look past: dick pics (duh), photos of him with another girl (why would you want to make a girl feel like she has competition on a dating site??!!?), and pictures of him with a dog. Any of these things, and it’s an immediate left swipe. Sorry lads.
It’s not that I have something fundamentally against dogs, I don’t. I love dogs. It is my ultimate goal in life to rescue and own all of the dogs in shelters, on the streets, in bad homes, wherever. My point is, I love dogs. But if a guy has a dog in his profile pics, it’s an automatic red flag for a number of reasons. First off, the likelihood is it isn’t even his dog. He's probably borrowed it from a mate/family member/neighbour or whatever just to try and impress you. So basically, he’s lied to you already and you haven’t even started talking yet. NEXT.
Having a puppy in your profile pic automatically distracts from everything else that’s going on. Bad hair day? Cuddle a puppy. Terrible choice of Christmas jumper? Cuddle a puppy. Just a little bit (or a lot) average looking? Cuddle a puppy. It’s basically a magnet for girls - all girls, no matter what anyone says – to instantly think you’re adorable, because how can a puppy that cute be in any way nice to a fuckboy? So, what is this guy trying to hide, if he can’t pose for one picture BY HIMSELF like you’re supposed to on these dating sites? Plus, everyone knows that having a dog is like a practice round for having a baby. Suddenly, you’re getting broody, imagining cute walks in the park with your dogs, lots of puppy cuddles, eventually your puppy cuddling a baby...it gets out of hand quickly. And that’s when, as if by magic, all of their negative qualities fade into the background: once you’ve got baby brain, you’re hooked.
It’s no secret that having a dog in your profile pic is supposed to be a one way ticket to getting all the ladies. Every single ‘how to’ guide for getting matches on Tinder, or Bumble, or whatever has at least one point dedicated to having a dog in your profile. Wake up ladies, this is literally just a manipulation tactic. AND IT’S WORKING. They don’t actually own the dog, no way, that would be too hard. They just need you to think they own it, because then they’ve got your attention. Damn, boys are trash, but when it comes to getting into your pants, they really can be quite clever trash. Cambridge uni level trash.
Puppies are literally little fluffy balls of pure magic. They can make any 4/10 guy look like an 8+, but the second the puppy’s out of the picture you’ll realise that actually, they’re pretty average looking, with a Type A personality and 3-inch dick.
Just as a little side note: if he poses with exotic animals in any of his pics, he’s an arsehole. No exceptions.
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